Monday, August 30, 2010

Ten Irrefutable Objections To Evolution

1. If humans evolved from monkeys, and monkeys evolved from other monkeys, why is there stuff that isn't monkeys?

2. If evolution was real, there would be crocoducks. And catdogs.  Have you ever seen those?  Have you ever seen a horse fly? Or a barn dance? I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my pajamas, science cannot explain.

3. Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics, which states that complicated stuff is so improbable, if the universe lived forever there would only be eight.

4. Evolution doesn't explain why there is something rather than nothing. Heck, it doesn't even try. Some theory.

5. If you found a watch in the woods, you would assume it was the product of intelligent design because of the way the parts are all matched together for a central purpose. So it is with life; if you find an insect in the woods, should you just assume that it hatched from eggs laid by a parent, developed in stages with some individual variation, and requires food to fuel chemical reactions, and will eventually lay eggs of its own? No, of course you shouldn't.  That would be silly.  It would be obvious that the insect, like the watch, was designed and placed there by a being more intelligent than you or me.

6. Hitler.

7. If evolution was real, it's obvious that my vacuum-sealed jar of pasteurized peanut butter would be teeming with new life forms within a few days, followed by intelligent catdogs eating my face every time I tried to make a sandwich.  And thus my lunch disproves evolution.

8. Hitler!

9. Evolution is like a tornado blowing through a junkyard and somehow producing a working 747 airplane, because heredity and natural selection are completely random and have only minutes to work before the weather changes. Also, everyone knows that tornadoes prefer trailer parks to junkyards. So, if evolution was true, trailer parks would have airports!

10. Evolution is just a theory. Contrast this with Biblical creation, a powerful narrative set in a magic garden with talking animals and an angry giant.  Why shouldn't this be taught in our science classes?  At least no one would be bringing up Hitler all the time.

Back to Killed By Fish

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jesus Had Me Put To Sleep

This guy...this is the guy.

I swear, this is the analogy (or is it a metaphor?) that I've been looking for ever since Jesus brought me home from the pound. I exist only to serve him, fetch his sandals, and, on occaision, beg for my food.

He never hits me in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper anymore, and hardly ever uses the choke collar. But I must be broken, because he says he's taking me to the vet to get fixed. Still, he is my master and...what's that? You want me to go for a ride?

Back to Killed By Fish

Friday, May 21, 2010

For God So Loved The World, part one

Deuteronomy 23:12

“You shall have a place outside the camp and you shall go out to it; and you shall have a stick with your weapons; and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it, and turn back, and cover up your excrement. Because the LORD your God walks in the midst of your camp, to save you and to give up your enemies before you, therefore your camp must be holy, that he may not see anything indecent among you, and turn away from you.”

This is a wonderful, enlightening verse containing, as it does, detailed instructions for proper hygiene with a clear explanation for the reasons behind it. Simply put, God does not want to step in your shit.

Of course, it goes without saying that you should wash your hands afterward. Everybody knows that, right?

"Thou hast befouled my new shoes!"

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rapture Update, 3/10/10

Well, no Rapture this week, evidently. But soon, I’m sure!

After all, Jesus said so:

"Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled." --Matthew 24:34

Which tells me that it must happen very soon. After all, that generation is about 2000 years old now, and they’re not getting any younger. Some have even retired.

So have faith, Brothers and Sisters! The Kingdom of Heaven is still at hand! Above all, do not let doubt creep into your lives. Doubt leads to questions! And questions lead to thinking! And thinking leads to...more thinking! And thinking will not get you into Heaven!

Do these people look like they're thinking?

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Power Of Prayer

Matthew 21:22
"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."

                            *Results not typical.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Why God Caused The Earthquake In Chile

As we know, earthquakes and other natural disasters are caused by God. He causes these tragedies, which wreak havoc and kill many people, when He is offended by the actions of the remote ancestors of those people he kills. There are many incidents of this type in the Bible; His power, wisdom, and absolute goodness enables Him to punish children for the sins of their parents and balance the scales of justice even centuries after those who angered Him are dead.

I must say I was at first befuddled when I heard that an earthquake had struck Chile last week. The quake in Haiti had obvious justification; about 200 years ago leaders of the Haitian slave revolt against France entered into a pact with the Devil, exchanging the souls of distant descendants for freedom from French rule. The voodoo rituals then and the rituals that continue today in that primitive land must anger God greatly; though remaining angry for 200 years is not a problem for God, the severity of the earthquake showed the depth of His wrath clearly to everyone who truly knows God.

But the modern country of Chile remains roughly 70 per cent Roman Catholic, which means only those voodoo rituals approved by God are practiced. Is there something else?

According to Wikipedia, Chile was settled about 12,000 years ago by migrating native Americans. This must have been the first action that angered God; since He only created the universe 6,000 years ago, He had not yet given permission to enter the land. These early settlers were obviously mocking the Creator by existing before creation, clearly defying the Holy Scripture that was eventually written.

Chile also abolished slavery in 1823, long before the rest of the Americas. Slavery is an institution granted and sanctioned by God in Old Testament law; it is not for mortal man to change those laws. The arrogance shown by those who would abolish slavery is staggering; surely, they must have been mad with power to assume such God-like control over other men's lives.

So, the earthquake is clearly a punishment, a balancing of the scales of justice, although it still remains to be seen if the death toll will be high enough.  We can only hope and pray.

Next Week: Why God Did Whatever Horrible Thing Happens This Week.

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Ex. 17:10-13
“10 So Joshua did as Moses told him, and fought with Amalek; and Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. 11 Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed; and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses’ hands grew weary; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat upon it, and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; so his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 And Joshua mowed down Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.”

Obviously, this verse could potentially have great meaning to a competitive athlete like Tim. It is especially relevant to an athlete like Tim who is about to move to a level of competition for which he is ill-suited. Yes, it’s true that Tim’s throwing style has problems; he brings the ball too low before throwing it and the result is a long wind-up that will give defenders more time to react. And given the size and speed of professional defensive players, and the fact that Tim runs like molasses, further limits his value to an NFL team.

But Tim’s intangibles, his leadership abilities and inspirational personality, have always been the main attraction. If he is not going to be out on the field, he could be trained and developed to be the guy who stands on the sideline holding up his hands like Moses and help his team prevail that way. And if he is not ready to take on that role right away, he could be one of the guys who stands on the sideline holding up the hands of the guy who holds up his hands.

This is worth at least a second-round draft pick, right?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Rapture Update, 2/21/10

Sadly, another week has passed and I and my fellow believers have not yet been pulled up into the sky and taken bodily into outer space without oxygen. But have faith! Rejoice, for the end is near! We shall not be unrewarded for our devotion, nor our enemies long remain unsmote!

"Wait!  I think I left the oven on!"

Friday, February 19, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Deut. 23:1:
“He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.”

This is a verse whose meaning has been much discussed among Theologians. There have also been many widely circulated misconceptions, but the most widely accepted modern interpretation of the original Scripture is this: Tim is allowed to play football, but he has to wear a cup.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Here’s Why: Jesus In Sports

As we well know, Jesus takes great interest in sporting events (we know this by the number of athletes who thank him for their success) and often determines the winners and losers. This series will attempt to determine which of Jesus’ miraculous abilities he uses to influence these events, based on the events documented in the New Testament.

How Jesus Causes Fumbles

There are at least two possibilities here, based on what we know: Jesus had the ability to defy gravity, based on his ascent into heaven after the resurrection. It’s possible that this was the same ability he used when he walked on water, although it’s also possible that he increased the surface tension of that water to prevent sinking, and walked on the water like bugs do. This ability, granted by God, would be given to another person or an object (thus explaining how Noah’s Ark could fit two of every animal on board a single ship; most of the creatures simply walked alongside the ark). This particular magic is also how Jesus rolled the stone away that sealed his tomb.

So I imagine one good way to cause a fumble would be to cause the ball to suddenly become weightless and fly out of the ball-carrier’s hands, at which point it becomes subject to gravity again and hits the ground.

Jesus also had the ability to change objects into loaves of bread. Not even the most seasoned professional athlete could hold onto a ball when it changes into a loaf of bread and back again.

It would not show up on replay because cameras are the imperfect creations of man; also, interventions by Jesus are by definition Judgment calls, and any NFL fan can tell you that those are not subject to replay.

Next week: Why Jesus hated Joe Theismann.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

John Frum Day? That’s Just Silly

Tomorrow is February 15, known as “John Frum Day” to the natives of Tanna Island in the Republic of Vanuatu in the South Pacific. A primitive tribal society, one of the last remaining “cargo cults,” these people are desperately in need of some good Christian missionary work.

Apparently, sometime in the 1930’s one of the natives was granted a vision of an American named John Frum, who lives in a volcano on the island and promised a future of wealth and prosperity. Then, during World War II, the island was set upon by American soldiers, who built airstrips, marched around with guns and brought food and other items down from the sky.

To this day, many of these natives await the promised return of John Frum and the coming Age of Abundance. And on February 15, these primitives paint “USA” on their chests, march around with bamboo “rifles,” build airstrips and bamboo towers, and attempt to communicate with their gods through coconut shell “headsets.”

Just imagine: a whole society built around the worship of an imaginary person hiding in an inaccessible place, promising to return at some uncertain future date and bring otherworldly wealth and happiness, all started by a magical “vision” and spurred on by superstitious misinterpretations of perfectly explainable events. And pretending to communicate with supernatural beings while wearing ridiculous stuff on their heads!

Next thing you know, they’ll be practicing some sort of symbolic cannibalism or treating old bits of cloth as sacred relics.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Rapture Update, 2/13/10

There are no new Rapture updates at this time. Check back later.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Deut. 21:10-12:
“When you go forth to war against your enemies, and the LORD your God gives them into your hands, and you take them captive, and see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you have desire for her and would take her for yourself as wife, then you shall bring her home to your house, and she shall shave her head and pare her nails.”

As we know, morality is absolute and comes from God. And I think God would recommend the Lady Remington, as blood sacrifice is not indicated here.

(This will be a regular feature of Tongue Of The Dumb. These are real verses from the Bible, Revised Standard Version, Second Edition. Tim Tebow, as you may know, is a devout young man who writes references to Bible verses on the eyeblack stickers he wears during football games. He is now moving on from college to the National Football League, which means he will rarely play and therefore not be seen often enough to continue spreading the Good Word so widely. I intend to help out by referring my readers to my favorite Bible verses. )

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Grandpa's Not Dead, We Gave Him To A Nice Farm Family

When I was nine years old, my paternal Grandfather died. At first I was very sad, but all my adult relatives explained that I didn't need to be, because Grandpa was now in a better place and was happy and content.

"We know you loved him very much, but he couldn't stay here any more," they assured me. "He needed to be somewhere where he can run and jump and play fetch, and he couldn't do that here. So we gave him to a nice family that lives on a farm, and now he's healthy and happy and doesn't have those coughing fits like he had here.

"Someday we'll go visit him there, but not for a long time. It's really hard to get to this farm, and you can't see it from the road, so we can't show it to you. Ever. But it's a wonderful place. And all his friends are there, and even his mommy and daddy are there. And they all run around chasing rabbits all day, having fun, and nothing ever hurts. Because the farmer is really kind to them, feeds them well, pets them every day, and loves them very much."

Grandma isn't there, though, she still lives with us. But I still wonder why her markings changed while I was away at summer camp.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Make This Woman President Now!

A recent quote from Sarah Palin:
"I think, kind of tougher to, um, put our arms around, but allowing America's spirit to rise again by not being afraid to kind of go back to some of our roots as a God fearing nation where we're not afraid to say, especially in times of potential trouble in the future here, where we're not afraid to say, you know, we don't have all the answers as fallible men and women so it would be wise of us to start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren't afraid to go that route, not so afraid of the political correctness that you know -- they have to be afraid of what the media said about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What can I add to that? She is so right. If we pray hard enough, God will answer all, just like He did when He wiped out the Indians with those horrible diseases, clearing the way for us real Americans to live here. Just like He did when He sent us those wonderful slaves from Africa to pick our cotton and shine our shoes and stuff, and later, play basketball. Just like He did when He showed us how to make atomic bombs. Just like He did when He drowned New Orleans.

God is waiting to help us. God loves us very much, which is why we must fear Him. Only when we are afraid enough will we be safe and secure and prosperous.

What we need are politicians who are not afraid to proclaim themselves Christians! Just imagine an America with a Christian president for once!

Because we are so fallible, we must place our trust in an invisible scary man in the sky who loves us and grants us wishes sometimes. That, truly, would be wise leadership for a great nation with a great history and lots of nuclear weapons.

The Bible: A New Translation

This is an ongoing project: translating the Bible into Japanese and back into English using my favorite online translator.

The point? Well, I figure there are prophecies hidden in these words that predict everything that happened, ever. It's just a matter of finding the code. So, as one must do when extracting hidden meaning from the Bible, I started making up stuff and believing it. I believe that God gave us prophecies in his Words that can only be unlocked by translating the Bible into Japanese and back with the internet He knew would be invented.

Here are the first ten verses from Genesis.

1: God drew up the heaven and the earth with beginning. 2: And the earth to die form and the space; And the darkness was on the surface being deep. And mind of God moved to the surface of the water. 3: And when it is the light/write, you said there, allotted God: And there was a light/write. 4: And as for God the light/write, with that it is good you saw: And God divided the light/write from the darkness. 5: And God him Night called the darkness and light day which telephoned. And evening and morning were first day. 6: And you called God, on midst of the sky water, in order to divide the water from the water, does to do that allots there.
7: And God made the sky, divided the water which is under the sky from the water which is on the sky: And so it was that. 8: And God called the heaven of the sky. And evening and morning were 2nd day. 9: And you called God, the water under the heaven that tried it gets together in one place and the land which is dried it appears that you tried: And so it was that.
10: And God called the earth of the land which is dried; And as for collection of the water him the sea you telephoned together: And God looked at that is good.

Well, look at that. The Bible predicted the telephone! Also, the words "light/write" obviously refers to "Lite Brite," a toy that wasn't invented until 1967.

Pictured: a message from God using technology predicted in the Bible.

And the Bible knew that water was under the sky, as well as on the sky, which science still can't explain!

I will continue this research until it leads me to the conclusion I completely expect.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

This will be a regular feature of Tongue Of The Dumb. These are real verses from the Bible, Revised Standard Version, Second Edition. Tim Tebow, as you may know, is a devout young man who writes references to Bible verses on the eyeblack stickers he wears during football games. He is now moving on from college to the National Football League, which means he will rarely play and therefore not be seen as often. I will thus help him spread the word, beginning with this entry regarding the male discharge.

“The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Say to the people of Israel, When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean. And this is the law of his uncleanness for a discharge; whether his body runs with his discharge, or his body is stopped from discharge, it is uncleanness in him. Every bed on which he who has the discharge lies shall be unclean; and everything on which he sits shall be unclean.’”

I know Tim is a virgin and proud of it. I am also proud that Tim is a virgin. For some reason. And we are proud of how humble we are, and freely admit that we are virgins, except for me.

I wanted to publicize this verse to emphasize how disgusting sex is, especially the "discharge" part, which gets all over.

Jesus & His Dinosaur Buddies

Celebrating 10,000 views on Saturday, Feb. 6, 2010.

And a year later, over 34,000 views.

Back to Killed By Fish

Sorry About Those Dishes, God

So why am I starting another blog?
Because God told me to. I know, some would say that there is no God, and that I am only writing this blog because I lack the ability to think for myself and seek the comfort of superstitious dogma.

So let's get started!

First of all, as you might have guessed, the title of this blog is from the Bible, specifically Isaiah 35:4-6, which reads:

"Say to those who are of a fearful heart,
Be strong, fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God,
He will come and save you.

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a hart,
and the tongue of the dumb sing for joy."

I hear the tongue of the dumb singing every day. I am proud to add my voice to the choir. The dumb choir. Yes, we is dumb and we am proud!

I promise there will be more, lots more, where this came from. I'm rushing this post a little because it's Super Sunday, and I need to remember that and keep this day holy. I know I'm not supposed to do any work today and I therefore imperiled my immortal soul when I washed those dishes. For punishment, I will allow myself to be stoned.

Ah, that's better.

About Me

My photo
I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.