Sunday, February 21, 2010

Rapture Update, 2/21/10

Sadly, another week has passed and I and my fellow believers have not yet been pulled up into the sky and taken bodily into outer space without oxygen. But have faith! Rejoice, for the end is near! We shall not be unrewarded for our devotion, nor our enemies long remain unsmote!

"Wait!  I think I left the oven on!"

Friday, February 19, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Deut. 23:1:
“He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.”

This is a verse whose meaning has been much discussed among Theologians. There have also been many widely circulated misconceptions, but the most widely accepted modern interpretation of the original Scripture is this: Tim is allowed to play football, but he has to wear a cup.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Here’s Why: Jesus In Sports

As we well know, Jesus takes great interest in sporting events (we know this by the number of athletes who thank him for their success) and often determines the winners and losers. This series will attempt to determine which of Jesus’ miraculous abilities he uses to influence these events, based on the events documented in the New Testament.

How Jesus Causes Fumbles

There are at least two possibilities here, based on what we know: Jesus had the ability to defy gravity, based on his ascent into heaven after the resurrection. It’s possible that this was the same ability he used when he walked on water, although it’s also possible that he increased the surface tension of that water to prevent sinking, and walked on the water like bugs do. This ability, granted by God, would be given to another person or an object (thus explaining how Noah’s Ark could fit two of every animal on board a single ship; most of the creatures simply walked alongside the ark). This particular magic is also how Jesus rolled the stone away that sealed his tomb.

So I imagine one good way to cause a fumble would be to cause the ball to suddenly become weightless and fly out of the ball-carrier’s hands, at which point it becomes subject to gravity again and hits the ground.

Jesus also had the ability to change objects into loaves of bread. Not even the most seasoned professional athlete could hold onto a ball when it changes into a loaf of bread and back again.

It would not show up on replay because cameras are the imperfect creations of man; also, interventions by Jesus are by definition Judgment calls, and any NFL fan can tell you that those are not subject to replay.

Next week: Why Jesus hated Joe Theismann.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

John Frum Day? That’s Just Silly

Tomorrow is February 15, known as “John Frum Day” to the natives of Tanna Island in the Republic of Vanuatu in the South Pacific. A primitive tribal society, one of the last remaining “cargo cults,” these people are desperately in need of some good Christian missionary work.

Apparently, sometime in the 1930’s one of the natives was granted a vision of an American named John Frum, who lives in a volcano on the island and promised a future of wealth and prosperity. Then, during World War II, the island was set upon by American soldiers, who built airstrips, marched around with guns and brought food and other items down from the sky.

To this day, many of these natives await the promised return of John Frum and the coming Age of Abundance. And on February 15, these primitives paint “USA” on their chests, march around with bamboo “rifles,” build airstrips and bamboo towers, and attempt to communicate with their gods through coconut shell “headsets.”

Just imagine: a whole society built around the worship of an imaginary person hiding in an inaccessible place, promising to return at some uncertain future date and bring otherworldly wealth and happiness, all started by a magical “vision” and spurred on by superstitious misinterpretations of perfectly explainable events. And pretending to communicate with supernatural beings while wearing ridiculous stuff on their heads!

Next thing you know, they’ll be practicing some sort of symbolic cannibalism or treating old bits of cloth as sacred relics.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Rapture Update, 2/13/10

There are no new Rapture updates at this time. Check back later.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

Deut. 21:10-12:
“When you go forth to war against your enemies, and the LORD your God gives them into your hands, and you take them captive, and see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you have desire for her and would take her for yourself as wife, then you shall bring her home to your house, and she shall shave her head and pare her nails.”

As we know, morality is absolute and comes from God. And I think God would recommend the Lady Remington, as blood sacrifice is not indicated here.

(This will be a regular feature of Tongue Of The Dumb. These are real verses from the Bible, Revised Standard Version, Second Edition. Tim Tebow, as you may know, is a devout young man who writes references to Bible verses on the eyeblack stickers he wears during football games. He is now moving on from college to the National Football League, which means he will rarely play and therefore not be seen often enough to continue spreading the Good Word so widely. I intend to help out by referring my readers to my favorite Bible verses. )

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Grandpa's Not Dead, We Gave Him To A Nice Farm Family

When I was nine years old, my paternal Grandfather died. At first I was very sad, but all my adult relatives explained that I didn't need to be, because Grandpa was now in a better place and was happy and content.

"We know you loved him very much, but he couldn't stay here any more," they assured me. "He needed to be somewhere where he can run and jump and play fetch, and he couldn't do that here. So we gave him to a nice family that lives on a farm, and now he's healthy and happy and doesn't have those coughing fits like he had here.

"Someday we'll go visit him there, but not for a long time. It's really hard to get to this farm, and you can't see it from the road, so we can't show it to you. Ever. But it's a wonderful place. And all his friends are there, and even his mommy and daddy are there. And they all run around chasing rabbits all day, having fun, and nothing ever hurts. Because the farmer is really kind to them, feeds them well, pets them every day, and loves them very much."

Grandma isn't there, though, she still lives with us. But I still wonder why her markings changed while I was away at summer camp.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Make This Woman President Now!

A recent quote from Sarah Palin:
"I think, kind of tougher to, um, put our arms around, but allowing America's spirit to rise again by not being afraid to kind of go back to some of our roots as a God fearing nation where we're not afraid to say, especially in times of potential trouble in the future here, where we're not afraid to say, you know, we don't have all the answers as fallible men and women so it would be wise of us to start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren't afraid to go that route, not so afraid of the political correctness that you know -- they have to be afraid of what the media said about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What can I add to that? She is so right. If we pray hard enough, God will answer all, just like He did when He wiped out the Indians with those horrible diseases, clearing the way for us real Americans to live here. Just like He did when He sent us those wonderful slaves from Africa to pick our cotton and shine our shoes and stuff, and later, play basketball. Just like He did when He showed us how to make atomic bombs. Just like He did when He drowned New Orleans.

God is waiting to help us. God loves us very much, which is why we must fear Him. Only when we are afraid enough will we be safe and secure and prosperous.

What we need are politicians who are not afraid to proclaim themselves Christians! Just imagine an America with a Christian president for once!

Because we are so fallible, we must place our trust in an invisible scary man in the sky who loves us and grants us wishes sometimes. That, truly, would be wise leadership for a great nation with a great history and lots of nuclear weapons.

The Bible: A New Translation

This is an ongoing project: translating the Bible into Japanese and back into English using my favorite online translator.

The point? Well, I figure there are prophecies hidden in these words that predict everything that happened, ever. It's just a matter of finding the code. So, as one must do when extracting hidden meaning from the Bible, I started making up stuff and believing it. I believe that God gave us prophecies in his Words that can only be unlocked by translating the Bible into Japanese and back with the internet He knew would be invented.

Here are the first ten verses from Genesis.

1: God drew up the heaven and the earth with beginning. 2: And the earth to die form and the space; And the darkness was on the surface being deep. And mind of God moved to the surface of the water. 3: And when it is the light/write, you said there, allotted God: And there was a light/write. 4: And as for God the light/write, with that it is good you saw: And God divided the light/write from the darkness. 5: And God him Night called the darkness and light day which telephoned. And evening and morning were first day. 6: And you called God, on midst of the sky water, in order to divide the water from the water, does to do that allots there.
7: And God made the sky, divided the water which is under the sky from the water which is on the sky: And so it was that. 8: And God called the heaven of the sky. And evening and morning were 2nd day. 9: And you called God, the water under the heaven that tried it gets together in one place and the land which is dried it appears that you tried: And so it was that.
10: And God called the earth of the land which is dried; And as for collection of the water him the sea you telephoned together: And God looked at that is good.

Well, look at that. The Bible predicted the telephone! Also, the words "light/write" obviously refers to "Lite Brite," a toy that wasn't invented until 1967.

Pictured: a message from God using technology predicted in the Bible.

And the Bible knew that water was under the sky, as well as on the sky, which science still can't explain!

I will continue this research until it leads me to the conclusion I completely expect.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

More Bible Verses For Tim Tebow

This will be a regular feature of Tongue Of The Dumb. These are real verses from the Bible, Revised Standard Version, Second Edition. Tim Tebow, as you may know, is a devout young man who writes references to Bible verses on the eyeblack stickers he wears during football games. He is now moving on from college to the National Football League, which means he will rarely play and therefore not be seen as often. I will thus help him spread the word, beginning with this entry regarding the male discharge.

“The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Say to the people of Israel, When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean. And this is the law of his uncleanness for a discharge; whether his body runs with his discharge, or his body is stopped from discharge, it is uncleanness in him. Every bed on which he who has the discharge lies shall be unclean; and everything on which he sits shall be unclean.’”

I know Tim is a virgin and proud of it. I am also proud that Tim is a virgin. For some reason. And we are proud of how humble we are, and freely admit that we are virgins, except for me.

I wanted to publicize this verse to emphasize how disgusting sex is, especially the "discharge" part, which gets all over.

Jesus & His Dinosaur Buddies

Celebrating 10,000 views on Saturday, Feb. 6, 2010.

And a year later, over 34,000 views.

Back to Killed By Fish

Sorry About Those Dishes, God

So why am I starting another blog?
Because God told me to. I know, some would say that there is no God, and that I am only writing this blog because I lack the ability to think for myself and seek the comfort of superstitious dogma.

So let's get started!

First of all, as you might have guessed, the title of this blog is from the Bible, specifically Isaiah 35:4-6, which reads:

"Say to those who are of a fearful heart,
Be strong, fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God,
He will come and save you.

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a hart,
and the tongue of the dumb sing for joy."

I hear the tongue of the dumb singing every day. I am proud to add my voice to the choir. The dumb choir. Yes, we is dumb and we am proud!

I promise there will be more, lots more, where this came from. I'm rushing this post a little because it's Super Sunday, and I need to remember that and keep this day holy. I know I'm not supposed to do any work today and I therefore imperiled my immortal soul when I washed those dishes. For punishment, I will allow myself to be stoned.

Ah, that's better.

About Me

My photo
I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.