Thursday, February 18, 2010

Here’s Why: Jesus In Sports

As we well know, Jesus takes great interest in sporting events (we know this by the number of athletes who thank him for their success) and often determines the winners and losers. This series will attempt to determine which of Jesus’ miraculous abilities he uses to influence these events, based on the events documented in the New Testament.

How Jesus Causes Fumbles

There are at least two possibilities here, based on what we know: Jesus had the ability to defy gravity, based on his ascent into heaven after the resurrection. It’s possible that this was the same ability he used when he walked on water, although it’s also possible that he increased the surface tension of that water to prevent sinking, and walked on the water like bugs do. This ability, granted by God, would be given to another person or an object (thus explaining how Noah’s Ark could fit two of every animal on board a single ship; most of the creatures simply walked alongside the ark). This particular magic is also how Jesus rolled the stone away that sealed his tomb.

So I imagine one good way to cause a fumble would be to cause the ball to suddenly become weightless and fly out of the ball-carrier’s hands, at which point it becomes subject to gravity again and hits the ground.

Jesus also had the ability to change objects into loaves of bread. Not even the most seasoned professional athlete could hold onto a ball when it changes into a loaf of bread and back again.

It would not show up on replay because cameras are the imperfect creations of man; also, interventions by Jesus are by definition Judgment calls, and any NFL fan can tell you that those are not subject to replay.

Next week: Why Jesus hated Joe Theismann.

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I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.