Now that the "Ark Park," the in-the-planning-stages theme park based on Noah's Ark, is on sound financial footing (the state of Kentucky having plans to invest taxpayer money), it's time to consider other possible theme parks based on the Bible.
The Ten Commandments Museum. This could be located in another conservative state like Nebraska, which could presumably use even more tourist dollars than they get now. Although there are no mountains in Nebraska for Moses to come down from, I have to figure that if you can build Noah's Ark in a landlocked state like Kentucky, lack of a mountain in Nebraska should not present a problem. Possibly a Mt. Sinai replica could be constructed from landfill.
This museum would feature all the actual historical artifacts from the delivery of the Commandments. And for the considerable amount of leftover space, I would suggest the following: a grand display featuring the earthly remains of Charlton Heston. As a special fun feature, the body could be holding a gun, and visitors would be invited to try to pry it from his cold, dead fingers.
The Rapture Coaster. This would be a roller coaster-type ride with one extremely steep drop. The exceptionally steep drop would be necessary to give the riders that euphoric feeling of weightlessness one presumably gets while being hauled bodily up into Heaven.
At the peak of the ride, just before the weightlessness sets in, trumpets would sound and the riders' clothes would either be sucked off or perhaps flash-incinerated off their bodies. A holographic image of the face of Jesus would float tantalizingly in front of each rider, and, for added realism, the sounds of wailing by those family members left behind could be piped in.
Special purple jumpsuits would be available to replace clothes at the end of the ride.
Garden of Eden Wildlife Refuge. This would be a large, open natural area with all wildlife living in peace and harmony as they did before The Fall. Children could learn about the disobedience of Adam and Eve while not being eaten by large carnivores. All around the park, rabbits would happily chew their cud, bats would lay their eggs in their tree-top nests, and four-legged insects would abound.
In the center of the park would stand a large fruit tree; this, of course, would be the Tree of Knowledge. A giant mechanical God would warn all visitors that to eat from this will surely cause death, while a talking snake informs them that this is not true, and the only result from eating the fruit will be having knowledge of good and evil. Of course, actually poisoning the fruit would possibly create liability issues, so the exhibit might be seen to make a liar out of God if anyone actually eats the fruit; the lack of toxicity will then have to be explained away here much like we do with the actual Bible story.
Tower of Babel Activity Park. Visitors will attempt to build towers using bronze-age materials and techniques. As a special challenge, when the tower reaches high enough to approach Heaven and make God nervous, the visitors will don special translation devices that garble their speech, rendering them unable to finish the tower.
This park will need to be built in a very flat region like Iowa or North Dakota; if there are visible hillside homes higher than bronze-age construction can reach, it might cause the participants to feel silly.
Flood World. This would be a special adjunct to the Noah's Ark replica in Kentucky. Since only direct relatives of Noah (and two, or maybe seven, or fourteen, of each "kind" of animal) were allowed to board the ark, "Flood World" would commemorate the experiences of the great majority of lifeforms on earth at the time. While eight visitors are ushered onto the ark, the rest of the crowd could be drowned in a nearby waiting area. As an option, perhaps to avoid those pesky wrongful death lawsuits again, the crowd would not in reality be drowned but merely waterboarded.
- I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.