Monday, August 30, 2010

Ten Irrefutable Objections To Evolution

1. If humans evolved from monkeys, and monkeys evolved from other monkeys, why is there stuff that isn't monkeys?

2. If evolution was real, there would be crocoducks. And catdogs.  Have you ever seen those?  Have you ever seen a horse fly? Or a barn dance? I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my pajamas, science cannot explain.

3. Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics, which states that complicated stuff is so improbable, if the universe lived forever there would only be eight.

4. Evolution doesn't explain why there is something rather than nothing. Heck, it doesn't even try. Some theory.

5. If you found a watch in the woods, you would assume it was the product of intelligent design because of the way the parts are all matched together for a central purpose. So it is with life; if you find an insect in the woods, should you just assume that it hatched from eggs laid by a parent, developed in stages with some individual variation, and requires food to fuel chemical reactions, and will eventually lay eggs of its own? No, of course you shouldn't.  That would be silly.  It would be obvious that the insect, like the watch, was designed and placed there by a being more intelligent than you or me.

6. Hitler.

7. If evolution was real, it's obvious that my vacuum-sealed jar of pasteurized peanut butter would be teeming with new life forms within a few days, followed by intelligent catdogs eating my face every time I tried to make a sandwich.  And thus my lunch disproves evolution.

8. Hitler!

9. Evolution is like a tornado blowing through a junkyard and somehow producing a working 747 airplane, because heredity and natural selection are completely random and have only minutes to work before the weather changes. Also, everyone knows that tornadoes prefer trailer parks to junkyards. So, if evolution was true, trailer parks would have airports!

10. Evolution is just a theory. Contrast this with Biblical creation, a powerful narrative set in a magic garden with talking animals and an angry giant.  Why shouldn't this be taught in our science classes?  At least no one would be bringing up Hitler all the time.

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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jesus Had Me Put To Sleep

This guy...this is the guy.

I swear, this is the analogy (or is it a metaphor?) that I've been looking for ever since Jesus brought me home from the pound. I exist only to serve him, fetch his sandals, and, on occaision, beg for my food.

He never hits me in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper anymore, and hardly ever uses the choke collar. But I must be broken, because he says he's taking me to the vet to get fixed. Still, he is my master and...what's that? You want me to go for a ride?

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About Me

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I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.