Sunday, March 6, 2011

Finding Jack Chick In My Closet

Friends, providence has smiled on me this week.

While cleaning out my closet yesterday, I ran across a page torn from one of Jack Chick's old tracts, handed to me by a stranger on a college campus back in 1984. 
I would have dropped to my knees right there to pray if a closet was in any way appropriate for prayer. I don't have to look it up to know Jesus would never sanction such a thing! Anyway, as I said, I was overjoyed.  Why?  Because he was warning us about gay marriage, all the way back in 1984!

So I immediately came out of the closet went back out to my study to pray.  Because I knew it to be a sign from God--a sign that our world is again in mortal danger, and He again has us squarely in His sight.
Back in 1984, I thought the world would end soon.  I publicly predicted the End of Days were upon us. Well, I certainly learned my lesson!  Now, I know the Truth--it will happen next year.  Unless we change our ways, and fast.  Remember those hurricanes and earthquakes that rocked the world in recent years?  God is preparing more!  We must not only repent our own sins, we must cast the sinful from our midst.  Only if we clean our own house, and not just the closet, will we be spared.
It's like President Batman Bush said, we have to rid the world of evil-doers.  And we must start with those fornicating abominations, the so-called "Gays."
By flaunting their disregard for everything that is good and holy, they are bringing Divine Punishment upon us all.  Because God sees all, and knows every thought of every person, He knows who the guilty are!  He knows who to blame, He knows who is innocent! And He doesn't care! He'll kill us all!
We cannot let gay marriage become a reality.  It will destroy the institution of marriage for all of us.  They would like us to believe that what they do is normal and natural--but who are we to decide what is normal?
Just imagine what those homosexuals are doing in their bedrooms!  Just imagine it!  Picture it in your mind!  Caressing each other, tenderly stroking one another with their long, supple fingers!  The soft, smooth curves of their young bodies entwined as they become one!   Rippling waves of muscles dancing across their nubile forms as they grapple passionately!  I tell you, it’s unthinkable what they do.
Unless Jack Chick has steered me wrong, or is exaggerating in some way, this gay marriage thing absolutely spells the end of civilization, just like it always has.  God will have his revenge!  For He is a jealous God, He says so Himself!  And He reminds you numerous times!  And He is always prepared to wipe out mankind to prove a point.
So get straight with our loving God!  Or He'll fucking kill you!

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Creation Science Fair: Suggested Projects

The Twin Cities Creation Science Assocation recently held their annual Home School Science Fair in Roseville, Minnesota.  This is a great idea, and I would like to help out our budding young creation scientists with a few ideas for projects for next year's fair.

Biblical Ant Farm: The ant farm is always a winner, in any science fair. People just love to watch our little four-legged friends bustling about in their underground lair.

Vengeful Volcano: Another science fair staple, the creationist version would be responsive to commands of its creator, i.e. you. At your command, this wonderful project would belch ersatz "lava" all over the fair's judges, spectators and participants in retaliation for horrible things they did in the past that you can specify later. If necessary, distant ancestors of your victims can be blamed.

Display Showing The Gaps In The Fossil Record: Since nothing is in the gaps, proving evolution wrong, your display will contain nothing. A brilliant riposte to the Darwinists! You will be hailed as a genius! Note: this would be an especially good last-minute project.

Experiment Proving The Effectiveness of Prayer: Set up an experiment in which you flip a coin 1000 times while praying with all your might that it turns up "heads." If it turns up "heads" more often than "tails," this is strong evidence that your prayer worked. If any other result occurs, this is strong evidence that your prayer worked.

Irreducible Complexity: Take a really complicated piece of machinery and break off an important part. Note that it doesn't work anymore. Pull the head off a bug. Note the similar result. Option: wave hands in the air while speaking.

The Watchmaker: Show the difference between design and nature by displaying, side by side, an expensive Swiss watch and a rock. Invite passersby to try to tell the difference and note how many are able to. This will prove that nature is not like design, which more closely resembles what we find in nature.

Experiment Showing The Validity of Internal Revelation: What you are trying to show here is that receiving wisdom in the form of personal, internal revelation is a perfectly valid way of learning about the universe. Ask volunteers to pick a number between one and one thousand. Then, run away.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

More Bible-Based Theme Parks? Yes!

Now that the "Ark Park," the in-the-planning-stages theme park based on Noah's Ark, is on sound financial footing (the state of Kentucky having plans to invest taxpayer money), it's time to consider other possible theme parks based on the Bible.

The Ten Commandments Museum. This could be located in another conservative state like Nebraska, which could presumably use even more tourist dollars than they get now. Although there are no mountains in Nebraska for Moses to come down from, I have to figure that if you can build Noah's Ark in a landlocked state like Kentucky, lack of a mountain in Nebraska should not present a problem. Possibly a Mt. Sinai replica could be constructed from landfill.

This museum would feature all the actual historical artifacts from the delivery of the Commandments. And for the considerable amount of leftover space, I would suggest the following: a grand display featuring the earthly remains of Charlton Heston. As a special fun feature, the body could be holding a gun, and visitors would be invited to try to pry it from his cold, dead fingers.

The Rapture Coaster. This would be a roller coaster-type ride with one extremely steep drop. The exceptionally steep drop would be necessary to give the riders that euphoric feeling of weightlessness one presumably gets while being hauled bodily up into Heaven.

At the peak of the ride, just before the weightlessness sets in, trumpets would sound and the riders' clothes would either be sucked off or perhaps flash-incinerated off their bodies. A holographic image of the face of Jesus would float tantalizingly in front of each rider, and, for added realism, the sounds of wailing by those family members left behind could be piped in.

Special purple jumpsuits would be available to replace clothes at the end of the ride.

Garden of Eden Wildlife Refuge. This would be a large, open natural area with all wildlife living in peace and harmony as they did before The Fall. Children could learn about the disobedience of Adam and Eve while not being eaten by large carnivores. All around the park, rabbits would happily chew their cud, bats would lay their eggs in their tree-top nests, and four-legged insects would abound.

In the center of the park would stand a large fruit tree; this, of course, would be the Tree of Knowledge. A giant mechanical God would warn all visitors that to eat from this will surely cause death, while a talking snake informs them that this is not true, and the only result from eating the fruit will be having knowledge of good and evil. Of course, actually poisoning the fruit would possibly create liability issues, so the exhibit might be seen to make a liar out of God if anyone actually eats the fruit; the lack of toxicity will then have to be explained away here much like we do with the actual Bible story.

Tower of Babel Activity Park. Visitors will attempt to build towers using bronze-age materials and techniques. As a special challenge, when the tower reaches high enough to approach Heaven and make God nervous, the visitors will don special translation devices that garble their speech, rendering them unable to finish the tower.

This park will need to be built in a very flat region like Iowa or North Dakota; if there are visible hillside homes higher than bronze-age construction can reach, it might cause the participants to feel silly.

Flood World. This would be a special adjunct to the Noah's Ark replica in Kentucky. Since only direct relatives of Noah (and two, or maybe seven, or fourteen, of each "kind" of animal) were allowed to board the ark, "Flood World" would commemorate the experiences of the great majority of lifeforms on earth at the time. While eight visitors are ushered onto the ark, the rest of the crowd could be drowned in a nearby waiting area. As an option, perhaps to avoid those pesky wrongful death lawsuits again, the crowd would not in reality be drowned but merely waterboarded.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Ten Irrefutable Objections To Evolution

1. If humans evolved from monkeys, and monkeys evolved from other monkeys, why is there stuff that isn't monkeys?

2. If evolution was real, there would be crocoducks. And catdogs.  Have you ever seen those?  Have you ever seen a horse fly? Or a barn dance? I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my pajamas, science cannot explain.

3. Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics, which states that complicated stuff is so improbable, if the universe lived forever there would only be eight.

4. Evolution doesn't explain why there is something rather than nothing. Heck, it doesn't even try. Some theory.

5. If you found a watch in the woods, you would assume it was the product of intelligent design because of the way the parts are all matched together for a central purpose. So it is with life; if you find an insect in the woods, should you just assume that it hatched from eggs laid by a parent, developed in stages with some individual variation, and requires food to fuel chemical reactions, and will eventually lay eggs of its own? No, of course you shouldn't.  That would be silly.  It would be obvious that the insect, like the watch, was designed and placed there by a being more intelligent than you or me.

6. Hitler.

7. If evolution was real, it's obvious that my vacuum-sealed jar of pasteurized peanut butter would be teeming with new life forms within a few days, followed by intelligent catdogs eating my face every time I tried to make a sandwich.  And thus my lunch disproves evolution.

8. Hitler!

9. Evolution is like a tornado blowing through a junkyard and somehow producing a working 747 airplane, because heredity and natural selection are completely random and have only minutes to work before the weather changes. Also, everyone knows that tornadoes prefer trailer parks to junkyards. So, if evolution was true, trailer parks would have airports!

10. Evolution is just a theory. Contrast this with Biblical creation, a powerful narrative set in a magic garden with talking animals and an angry giant.  Why shouldn't this be taught in our science classes?  At least no one would be bringing up Hitler all the time.

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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jesus Had Me Put To Sleep

This guy...this is the guy.

I swear, this is the analogy (or is it a metaphor?) that I've been looking for ever since Jesus brought me home from the pound. I exist only to serve him, fetch his sandals, and, on occaision, beg for my food.

He never hits me in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper anymore, and hardly ever uses the choke collar. But I must be broken, because he says he's taking me to the vet to get fixed. Still, he is my master and...what's that? You want me to go for a ride?

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Friday, May 21, 2010

For God So Loved The World, part one

Deuteronomy 23:12

“You shall have a place outside the camp and you shall go out to it; and you shall have a stick with your weapons; and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it, and turn back, and cover up your excrement. Because the LORD your God walks in the midst of your camp, to save you and to give up your enemies before you, therefore your camp must be holy, that he may not see anything indecent among you, and turn away from you.”

This is a wonderful, enlightening verse containing, as it does, detailed instructions for proper hygiene with a clear explanation for the reasons behind it. Simply put, God does not want to step in your shit.

Of course, it goes without saying that you should wash your hands afterward. Everybody knows that, right?

"Thou hast befouled my new shoes!"

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rapture Update, 3/10/10

Well, no Rapture this week, evidently. But soon, I’m sure!

After all, Jesus said so:

"Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled." --Matthew 24:34

Which tells me that it must happen very soon. After all, that generation is about 2000 years old now, and they’re not getting any younger. Some have even retired.

So have faith, Brothers and Sisters! The Kingdom of Heaven is still at hand! Above all, do not let doubt creep into your lives. Doubt leads to questions! And questions lead to thinking! And thinking leads to...more thinking! And thinking will not get you into Heaven!

Do these people look like they're thinking?

About Me

My photo
I am the Ken doll you left outside in 1983. I have been living on cat food and squirrels, coming out mostly at night, unable to wash or even change my clothes because they are permanently sewn on. I ask you, would a merciful God allow this? I just wish I could wipe this stupid grin off my idiot face.